Full Circle
by donnapie
Summary: One-shot based on the spoiler photos from Nationals in New York.Finn and Rachel and the things that are still left unresolved, the words they have never spoken and how they have come together after Rachel walked away from Finn when he tried to kiss her.


New York was even better than what they have imagined…

It was big and busy and so different from Lima that it felt as if they have landed in a whole different planet…

He watches Rachel as she stared at all the Broadway marquees flying past their bus window, wide-eyed…

And he felt his heart twist a little as he imagined a life where she will be making a name for herself far apart from him in this kick ass city while he stays behind in Ohio missing her with all his heart, just like the way he does now…

He misses her…

And he knows its wrong coz he's got Quinn but he still can't help himself from wanting to wipe her tears when she's hurt or from hugging her close to him when she is excited and beside herself with joy like the way she is now…

Perhaps, it's just because he's gotten so used to having her next to him…

So much so that wanting to share everything with her had become second nature to him…

But times have changed and now he is not anything anymore to her…

Not a boyfriend…

Not a friend…

And he wishes that he'd remember so that he can just get over her and _REALLY_ start all over …

She turned her head a little and their eyes met and she gave him a little smile that made his heart thump a little louder in his chest…

The moment was fleeting…

Momentary…

And as Quinn squeezed his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder, he tried to convince himself that maybe it was just a stir in the feelings he's had for Rachel, even if it now seemed as if it was from a time that was so far away…

* * *

><p>Quinn and him fight over so many things…<p>

Her obsession with popularity and his seeming indifference to that desire… Trust and how often they both lacked it and Rachel mostly which is like a festering wound in their relationship that never seem to heal ever since they first broke up…

After all their fights, he'd sulk in a corner…

Alone, away from the rest, and it happens so often that the Glee Club members have learnt to turn a blind eye on what's happening between them when previously they will be whispering behind their backs as if they weren't even in front of them…

Being away from home was no different…

"I don't know why I keep believing this would work - It had only been four months and yet it seems as if we are still fighting over the same things that we haven't even been able to work out in the past…"

He mutters from out of the blue when they were in Central Park sitting on the same park bench, their shoulders touching closely together…

Rachel turned towards him hesitantly as if she was unsure if he was even addressing her or if she should even get involved in something that obviously has nothing to do with her…

But still she finds herself giving him a reassuring smile because she'd always been weak whenever he was concerned and even more so when he is obviously in need of someone to listen to him just like the way he does now…

"The hardest part about starting all over is the beginning…"

She said comfortingly and he felt a hollow ache in his chest as he remembered how they went through the same when it was still Him and Her…

When they were still FinChel and not the people sitting there together who had nothing to bind them…

Not combined names or shared conversations…

Not whispered jokes nor aspirations…

Now they are just two different people talking together…

One who is simply Finn and the other who is plainly Rachel…

"I'm sorry Rach… I don't even know why I'm telling you all this…"

He gave her an embarrassed little smile…

The one she knows best and he resisted the urge to throw his arms around her shoulders as she watched him stare off into the distance and as he gave off a deep seated sigh…

"Sometimes, she makes me feel like I'm such a useless waste of space. I know she doesn't mean it like that, but she's just so hard to understand that really, 'That's just the way she is' sometimes doesn't even cut it anymore."

She bit her lip thoughtfully…

Looking at Quinn laughing unaffected with Brittany and Santana from a distance as they take goofy pictures and pose for souvenirs…

"Maybe she just has a funny way of showing she cares… Maybe she nags at you and fights with you because she loves you too much and she's afraid that you'd be taken away…"

Finn glances sideways at her…

"Were you also? Always afraid that I would be taken away?"

Again, Rachel was quiet for a few moments and Finn can almost kick himself for saying the words out loud because he only meant to ask her that inside his head…

"Yes… "

She finally replied…

A wistful expression on her face…

"Like I said, girls like me do not get chosen over Santana or Quinn everyday… I was always afraid… always just waiting for the time when you'd realize that you're too good for me and that there's someone better out there and leave me…"

She smiled sadly at him and Finn knows what that smile means and how her words are rife with meaning…

At that moment, he seemed to understand her just a little bit better…

He smiles back…

Though he wonders once again what Rachel ever saw in him that made her think that he was worthy of loving…

* * *

><p>Puck sneaks off some wine coolers into his hotel room and they had an impromptu drinking party with the whole Glee club with only Quinn missing…<p>

She had turned in early citing how she needed her beauty sleep and even if he was supposed to feel kinda bummed about the whole thing, all he felt was a strong sense of relief that at least for just a moment, he wouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her for the rest of the evening…

Truly, alcohol is a funny thing…

Alcohol combined with hormonal teenagers and it was not long before the topic turns to sex and suddenly, Puck and Santana were treading on dangerous waters as they discussed things that Finn would rather remain unspoken…

"Admit it, Berry!"

Puck insists…

"In order for you to reach your dreams of being an actress, you have to get laid to be able to know what you're doing… How can you sing about passion and love when you barely even know what really goes on in the sack?"

Rachel bowed her head to hide how she's blushing furiously while Finn glared at Puck thinking to himself how he would have loved to punch him in the face if only he was just not so fucking buzzed…

"He has a point manhands!"

Santana shouted from where she's seated…

"I mean what's the big deal about virginity when you don't even miss it when it's gone?"

She turned malicious eyes towards him…

"Right, Finnocence?"

She drawled the last words sarcastically in an obvious jab at him and he rolls his eyes in disgust, the side of his jaw ticking as he immediately stood up…

"Fuck this… I'm going to bed…"

He declared and Rachel's gaze flew to his as if she was desperately grabbing on to the nearest lifeline…

"I'd- I'd also call it a night…"

He stared at her and hesitated only for a moment before he grabbed her hand and Santana lets off a smirk as she looked at their entwined fingers suggestively…

"Oh … I get it… Quinn will throw a fit!"

Finn looked at her in contempt…

"Shut up Santana… Why don't you just grow up?"

He pulled Rachel and exited the room heading towards the elevators in silence…

He walked ahead furiously with long, brisk strides as Rachel tried to catch up with him feeling slightly breathless…

"I didn't realize we were in such a hurry,"

She said humorously …

Her hands still clasped in his as if it truly belongs there…

"Of course we are… they're becoming rude and insulting and I would not stand there while they talk about things that can hurt you and which I have blamed myself for from ever letting happen…"

"Finn…"

She whispered softly… Stopping mid way in that empty hallway as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning to her as if what he'd say next would physically hurt him…

"This is all my fault Rach - We are here because of me and I don't even want to remember because I was such an asshole and so stupid and I'm just -"

He paused as if he's having difficulty trying to find the words to describe to her how he had been feeling…

"Sorry… I'm just so-so fucking sorry… "

And she gave him a little smile and looked up at him with so much understanding in her eyes that it almost brought him to his knees…

"I'm not exactly without fault either… But it's all in the past now… We've moved on and we've -"

"If I could have the chance to change everything I would - I wish I could have lost my virginity to you because then it would have meant something…"

And they stood there together in an awkward kind of silence…

The kind that made her look at him quizzically as if she just didn't know what to make of him or of that sentence…

"You're drunk Finn… But thanks anyway… I am- flattered"

She said casually before letting out a soft chuckle…

And he felt a strange sense of disappointment at how she seemed to have easily brushed off something that is of great importance to him…

She started walking again and he lagged two paces behind her and when the elevators arrived she turned to him with a smile and gave him a little wave…

"Well… this is me… "

She stepped inside and he stared at her as she pushed the button for her floor before whispering under his breath…

"Goodnight A-rach…"

And he saw her eyes widen a little just before the doors closed completely on her…

Perhaps because she was just as surprised as he is at how he had so casually fallen into the familiarity of calling her by that long unused nickname…

* * *

><p>Finn learnt a long time ago that being greedy is a deadly sin…<p>

But he also knows that sometimes the heart just wants what it wants and that is what he reminds himself of when he knocked on Rachel's door in the middle of the night, long after the party was gone and hours after they have separated in the hallway…

"Finn?"

She looked up at him with a confused expression…

Her eyes bleary from sleep and looking unsure if he was real or if she is just dreaming…

"I can't take this anymore Rachel… I don't know why I'm feeling like this…"

Her voice was tentative when she replies…

"Like what?"

"Like I'm lying to myself… Like I'm lying to you…"

Rachel looked up to meet his gaze from her half opened doorway…

A flicker of hope shining in her eyes for just a moment before she removes all kinds of expression from her face and shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly…

"Everybody lies…"

She says it like it's a common truth…

And Finn stares at her intently and she averted her gaze…

"I know! And that's why we are in this fucking mess and for once I just want to tell you the truth…"

His sentence catches her off guard but the next thing he says surprises her even more so…

"I wish I could have chosen you…"

A heavy silence follow his words.

Rachel does her best to look unfazed, even as her pulse races at the gravity of his confession.

Finn opens his mouth to speak but Rachel cuts him off.

"It's getting late, you should go back to bed."

"Rach…"

"Don't…"

She swallows the lump in her throat and she looks away, closing her eyes as if she was trying to calm herself…

"You've made your choice Finn… You can't keep doing this to me…"

She looked up slowly to meet his gaze and all her resolve seemed to fly out the window when she saw the agony written in his eyes…

"But for what it's worth… sometimes… sometimes, I wish you've chosen me too…"

She whispered softly before looking at him with sad, hurt eyes and closing the door slowly on him…

He remained motionless for quite a time as her words ring in his ears and he swallowed the lump in his throat, blinking away the burning in his eyes that could have been his tears…

* * *

><p>On the first day of their trip, they went up the Empire State Building…<p>

They visited the Statue of Liberty on the third and on the fifth, Quinn and him broke up…

It was nothing big… Nothing earth-shattering…

Just him being honest with his feelings telling her that it would never work out between them and her breathing a sigh of relief when she had considerably calmed down, admitting that she knew at the back of her mind that their falling apart had been a long time coming…

Still… That didn't stop her from calling him an ass and from sobbing brokenly after…

He hugged Quinn for the last time as she cried her eyes out on his chest…

And even as he stroked her corn silk locks and murmured words of comfort in her ear, his mind is already with Rachel and how he wishes that after all of these, they can still get back together …

* * *

><p>They stood in the middle of an unfamiliar rain soaked street…<p>

Finn looking at her with confusion in his eyes as she averted her face and turned away from his kiss …

Rachel thinks of the past few months of Finn's absence and of how much her heart had been broken…

Her love for him will forever be a mystery to her …

Whenever she thinks she's over him, something happens that makes her confused each time …

Something unexpected…

Just like today.

Then again, he isn't the only one with surprises.

She firmly believes that she is better off without him and yet this day had been a testament to the reality that perhaps she had just been feeding herself lies…

She doesn't know why she can't keep away…

She was so certain that when he realizes just how much he loves her, she would make him beg and grovel and yet, here they are, ending a night which felt every bit like a date even after he told her that it would be "no pressure" and just between friends when they met at Bow Bridge and when he had given her that bouquet of flowers…

And she doesn't know what the hell she's doing…

Jumping right on to an almost reconciliation with him when just a few days ago, he was holding another girls hand…

Once, she asked herself, if Finn had not gone to bed with Santana and she had not made that bad decision of kissing Noah, would they still be together?

Her answer had been yes…

But she failed to take into account her insecurity and his pride, and she thinks to herself that perhaps this separation would still have happened irregardless, due to the very same things that they still have not even talked about and which until now is keeping them apart …

Her relationship with Finn is perpetually on broken cycles and frequently punctuated by sharp edges….

And all she wanted was for it to be constant…

A steady orbit…

Unchanging…

_Natural..._

They've hurt each other so many times, and yet always, they go back and try again.

She's always loved Finn with a single-minded passion, and she knows she will do anything for him.

It scares her sometimes- how much she love him that sometimes she thinks she's not good enough for him…

But truth of the matter is…

She is…

_And she is scared that this time, he still can't make her feel just that…_

_I can't fall into this web again_.

She lifted her gaze to meet his…

His fine features are highlighted by the flecks of moonlight while the streetlamp cast mysterious shadows on his face…

And for a fleeting moment, she remembers how he looked at Sectionals when he first told her he loved her at the back of that darkened stage… His lips curled in that lopsided smile, the side of his face thrown in sharp relief against the harsh glare of the stage lights…

He looked so sure and determined and confident that she'd say she loves him back…

And he was right…

But now, there was just uncertainty on his face and against her will, her heart suddenly aches at the sight of him…

He fixed his gaze on her as he speaks.

"Don't you want me?"

She bows her head and avoids his eyes when she answers,

"It doesn't matter now."

"Yes it does."

He put his fingers under her chin, decisiveness etched on his face…

"Tell me the truth Rachel…"

She stares back defiantly.

"The moment for it has passed."

Finn makes a sound of disbelief, before reaching out to put his hands on her shoulder.

"Moment? What moment? Please Rachel… I need to know…"

Rachel tries to wrench herself free from his grasp but she was trembling too much for it to do any good.

"Finn, let go please. I'm not ready… I can't-can't do this."

Rachel tries to set her eyes somewhere else, emotions welling up inside her...She is afraid that it would only be a matter of seconds before she'd find herself crumbling- always during the times when she absolutely must stay firm.

"Goddamit Rachel… We ended up like this because we can't tell each other how we feel and If we're gonna make this right this time around, we just have to be fuckin' honest with each other even just this once…"

She looked up at him in surprise, as she tried hard to swallow her tears…

"I love you…"

He continued without preamble…

"When I knocked on your door two nights ago? I went to see you because I'm going _crazy _trying to understand why I have never stopped loving you even if I wanted to hate you so badly."

Shock registers in Rachel's eyes, and Finn keeps talking.

"I thought that if I managed to tell you and turn my back on you with my own strength, that all of this will be over. That I can stay with Quinn and continue to lie to myself and just let you chase after your dreams without the need to hold you back even if I want to beg you so that you'd stay with me forever…"

Rachel's mouth opens and closes for a few seconds and Finn gives out a humorless laugh…

"I love you Rachel… I know that you may not believe that now but I have never loved another human being with all my heart the way that I love you…"

Rachel laughs bitterly.

"This also happened the last time Finn… You said the same things and I pinned my hope on them and yet in the end, it was Quinn that you were able to forgive but not me…."

Her answer doesn't deter him one bit.

"BECAUSE SHE CAN'T HURT ME… BECAUSE SHE HAS NO POWER TO TEAR MY HEART APART AND THEN RIP IT OUT OF MY CHEST WHICH IS WHAT YOU DID WHEN YOU KISSED PUCK…"

She felt her heart slam against her chest at that…

Finn taking a deep breath before shooting her another loaded question…

"Do you still love me?"

Rachel steps back, and turns away.

"Please don't make me answer that Finn… Just - just be a good friend and give me some time…"

She knows that if she gives in, it will be easy… everything will change, and _they can just go back to the way it was_, and there exactly lies the problem…

"We were never just friends Rachel."

_I know_, she answers silently.

She forces herself to meet his eyes. "I need to know Finn… I need to be sure that this time, you're in it for the long haul…"

"I am."

"But I'm not sure that I am."

"You are…"

He reaches out and gently runs a knuckle on the curve of her cheek.

Rachel does her best not to lean into his touch but to her horror, she doesn't shy away either.

"I - I - need to go- "

She turns around abruptly, her fists clenched at her sides.

With a heavy heart, she takes a step away from Finn and he watches her walk away, saying nothing…

They were quite a distance away from each other already, when he finally speaks.

"Is this it Rach? Are you really walking away from me?"

Rachel closes her eyes to stave off the tears. She will not cry.

Though this question brings her as much uncertainty as it does to him, deep down, she already knows the answer.

She knows they will come back to each other again in a time that is least expected but all she knows is that that time is not now…

"Maybe," she finally says.

Then she takes another step, and doesn't look back...

* * *

><p>The day before Nationals, she woke up to a note and a pair of keys taped outside her hotel rooms doorway…<p>

"_Come and go as you please but stay with me always…"_

She doesn't even have to ask who it's from…

Doesn't even have to hide how she is half laughing and half crying as she clutched the little piece of paper close to her heart…

Right then and there, her doubts were laid quiet…

She asked him just a couple of days ago if this time, he is in it for the long haul and she has nothing to fear anymore…

Because now?

Now she has her proof...

Now...

Now she knows she has his heart and that she holds his honest answer in her hand...

* * *

><p>They have come full circle and they are now standing again together behind that darkened stage…<p>

They have not spoken a word to each other ever since that fateful night that she walked away but when she took his hand in hers, he just smiled at her without a word…

He doesn't say "Hey, are we good?" and doesn't even ask her "Does this mean we're back together again?"

Instead he just squeezed her hand and says… "Break a leg…"

And this time it was her turn to say "I love you" from out of the blue…

And as he whispered "Welcome Back Rach" before his lips come crashing down on hers, she knows that this time there will be no turning back…

_Forever_…

Not from either one of them….

* * *

><p><em><strong>Authors Note:<strong>_

_This oneshot is inspired by spoiler photos from the shoot in New York City for Nationals..._

_As a rabid FinChel supporter, i am waiting with bated breath for Finn and Rachel's much longed for reunion but my desire for them to really TALK about things that they have not even voiced out in the past is even greater..._

_These are the issues that i want them to thresh out and the dialogues that i'd want them to have prior to their getting back together so that they can start on a clean slate and become stronger but i know it is a far fetched idea so i just wrote it down to share it with everyone..._

_I hope you enjoy reading it just as much as i enjoyed writing it..._

_I would love to hear your thoughts about this oneshot... Reviews and Comments are LOVE!_


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